Ham

Trying to teach a ham to swim. Any suggestions? Should I wear a Rolf Harris mask?

Definitely don't teach it in water. Start it off in a ball pool and work upwards via mustard to gaspacchio.

Mustard to gaspacchio? Mustard to gaspacchio? Mustard to gaspacchio? What is this? What hooves I see before me? Waiter! There is a child in my soup! Who put that spluttering chutney there? I demand a recount.