Thank you for your audition piece (which was in fact not an audition piece at all but a large, stone Elizabethan sausage). We have forwarded this onto our Director of Arts and Trinketry.
As an artistic institute that regularly auditions actors, dancers and sundry personnel we would normally expect auditioners to arrive at the academy in person, and to perform IN PERSON on one of our audition stages. However we appreciate your originality and alt-thinking in this instance. Our advice is for you to refrain from sending us your audition through the post. We did enjoy your previous hand-drawn piece in crayola that depicted yourself performing Hamlet from the inside of a swan's anus. However, we cannot possibly accept this as an official application. Please see our website for details of the LOCATIONS where you can attend a REAL audition.
Yours sincerely,
Sir Frank Whittle
Secretary to the Dean of Arts
Dear Frank "The" Tank
I think somewhere along the line - my audition became somewhat confusticated.
Two factors that I would appreciate you passing your sight orbs over:
1) Firstly, and most simple to deal with, that wasn't a swan's anus - it was Guthlaxton College.
2) I must remonstrate most strongly regards your dubbing my submission as "a" large stone Elizabethan sausage.
Rather than being "a" it was rather, and far more impressively, "THE" Elizabethan stone sausage, the original, the kahuna, the real "biz boz" as they say in the trade.
Rumour reached me in early 1990 of an early example of totemic Elizabethan meatware being in the possesion of a small cult of Span-talian prawn worriers on the Amalfi coast. An exquisite piece according to all that had viewed her, one that any meatware enthusiast would be proud to call their own.
Long story short - I secreted myself within the cults inner sanctums inside the pouch of an acrobatic monkey as she clambered into the ventilation shafts. Cosy as i was - upon entering the sausage chamber - popping out of the ape pouch needed no persuasion when I set eyes on the sausage itself.
Amazingly, this was the fabled Ghandi Wurst, fashioned by the great man on penance somewhere in the Gobi. He smuggled it back across the colonial controlled border under a fetching white sheet and sold it (for some reason) via mailorder to Sir St John Woolworths, who used it on the street whores of Ipswich. The sausage was obviously the cause of controversy and for many years - it fropped out of the public eye. Until I found her.
The retarded, inbred, gimplike Prawn Worriers didnt really know what they had and were easily persuaded to part with it - they had until then been using it as a paperweight (despite its enormity) and happily handed it over when I swapped it for eight novelty Skegness snowglobes - a far superior and more practical paperweight I am sure you'll agree.
Anyway - I digress - with all this in mind, I hope that you have the classic example of Meatware in some safe cranny or nook and that you will find time to reappraise its beauty.
Anyway - HASTE - to the coast!
Llewellynnnn Caravan Geo Park.
Dear Mrs Geo Park-Sun,
My wholehearted apologies for missing the significance of your audition piece. May I be the first to apologise for the errors in my colleagues' judgement in failing to recognise one of the most important examples of meatware of ANY era. I would also like to extend my thanks to you for gifting this precious item to our college.
We do however still have the little problem of you actually failing to submit a genuine, real time audition, something that we can categorise and evaluate according to our given expertise in this field. For this reason I would like to offer you the opportunity to audition this coming Saturday as part of our Duets Week.
We have chosen a partner for you. His details are given below:
Mr Guido Walshington
7, Elephant Road
Brighton
BRIGHton।
Fellatio-tations!
A duet with Guido? Praise be to the highest!
I will return with a storyboard run down of a performance piece I am planning, shortly after returning from the brass forge, whose smithee is fashioning me a new Moustache Sword (a light, yet sturdy blade, concealed in a full Arthur Wyggeston/Trundlebar toplip hairformat - I will use for deterring brigands on late night returns from my local alehouse.)
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