Poems of the rich and famous - 5

Born a dyke
The hateful connotation
Of passing time and custom
When our lexicon drags us towards profanity
As Bella escapes to flatulent comedy

Oh jesuschristfucksocks

I shut my finger in the door"


The clumsy novelist JEFFREY ARCHER on BELLA EMBERG

Poems of the rich and famous - 4

Improbable weight
Cold hard steel
Hurled like Hannah Barbera
The anvil sails from the strongman's hands
Atomic fatal velocity
Powered by the violent corned beef blocks of humanity
Worlds strongest man
Victory of the beef

Christ

I just came


NIGELLA LAWSON wrote a haiku that got out of hand

Poems of the rich and famous - 3

"The heat and flies
The maddening lapping of stagnant waves
The algal stench, baking in the sun
Unable to move without brushing groin on ass
Soon a tide of gore will cover the deck
Trapped in a straight line journey
No chance of escape or U turn
The regret of booking a canal holiday.

Should've gone to Marbella
With Freddie Starr"


RUSS ABBOTT on the tragic longboat holiday with the now mutilated BELLA EMBERG

Poems of the rich and famous - 2

"The stereogram arrived at noon
Out of the blue, unannounced
The intrusion of nicely polished ply
The merry tune of a concerto
The chagrin of the delivery girl mounting the 40th flight
I spluttered through my midday vittles
A rainbow of pea and ham
Laughing at the folly
The searing beam of digital media
Consigning my consignment to history"

DAVID "REAL DEAL" DICKINSON on receiving PATRICK MOORE's record player by courier.

Poems of the rich and famous - 1

"Many man make their own heaven
Many, their own hell.
The scent of reducing onions
And the froth of a jus
The hand upon the shoulder
The piercing gaze of the accusing eye
Why oh why did I steal that pie?"

TV Personae ANDI PETERS

Medieval remedyes

"Treating gout of thee foote
severe thee foote and bury in the grave of a Spanish ombudsman, dance a merry caper and eat the berries of the bramble bushe"

"Treating Daemonic possession...
Soak clothe in a bowl of milk humours from teate of a wise womanne. Slyce open the heade of thee possessed and presse clothes in. Burrye thee possessed under dung for a weeke. If thyse faile then thee physician maye be called to remove thee eyes. Thee eyes then be burryed in a hogs ditch."

"Rattes in lung cavitee:
An afflicktion in wych thee lungs become sore with ratte tailes and furr, and the aroma of thee droppyngs causes chokeing.
To remedye a lyve femayle cat must be wetted with three tankards of fermente and attached to thee face of thee afflickted. Mayke sure that thee teats are close to thee face and thee beaste is securely fasten'd so that thee breath can only pass thru thee teates. Thee teats coveryng thee mouth of afflickted will absorb the lung breath and breath only pass thru these teats. To hydrate the afflickte thou must pass fluide into thee catte firste. Anye escaping rattes will be eate. If by thee third daye the afflickte stoppe breathing then an alternatyve diagoniss is that the afflyckte has dyed. Thee cat is burned."

"Thee Sack Cankers ov Swine
A sore affliction of thee buboe'd ballbag.
Seeping welts cover the testys of swine keepers, resulting in gross swelling and much gnashing of teethe in payns diabolic.
A cure recent and pure geniuse in its division by one Regibald Chokeworth the IIIrd - Pastor of Islington Leper Colony - has current become the mainstay of treatmentes.
Pouring the bathwater of thee prostitutes of Paris into the hollowe skull of a tartar and mixing with the multifarious shavings of Stilton. Thee ballbag of the afflicted should be douched twice score dayley while the head of the patient beaten upon't with a large stone mallet to cause thee cankers to drop by much agitation.

Organ Slammer: A 'Bot and his albino Octopus.

Deserves its own sitcom...